Thursday, October 29, 2009

Don't Thank Me

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-Ray, Yankee, Zulu.

So goes the NATO phonetic alphabet. But ever since I started making plans with my friends Charlie, Juliet and her papa, Oscar to spend November in India where a company called Alpha Travel were offering us a great deal on a two week holiday learning to foxtrot and tango with some golf on the side and a free kilo of whiskey for everyone who books early it's been causing us no end of confusion. Especially when the crackly phone line between me in London and them in Quebec means I have to keep spelling things out to them.

So I've decided to come up with a new phonetic alphabet. I think there's much less room for confusion with mine. I expect it'll soon become the international standard.
A: Arse
B: Bee
C: Chalet
D: Derek
E: Eric
F: FBI
G: Gerrymander
H: Hmmm
I: Instead
J: Jerry
K: Knight
L: Llangollen
M: Mayor
N: Nightmare
O: Obviously
P: Phonetic
Q: Que?
R: Really
S: Spelling
T: Then
U: Underscore
V: Very
W: Why
X: Xena
Y: Yes
Z: Zing

Don't thank me.

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22 comments:

  1. @mightytonkaOctober 29, 2009 at 4:02 PM

    Silly boy

    ReplyDelete
  2. rjmunroOctober 29, 2009 at 4:13 PM

    I think you should enter this into Genius.

    ReplyDelete
  3. martinOctober 29, 2009 at 5:10 PM

    Whenever I spell my surname, I use the regular NATO letters, except U, where I use Unicorn. People usually repeat it back to me. I hope it'll catch on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownOctober 29, 2009 at 5:10 PM

    Surely it should be:

    R for "Are You Dave Gorman?"

    ReplyDelete
  5. ClareOctober 29, 2009 at 5:11 PM

    I used to see those shop shutters all the time when I lived in London. I didn't know there was a whole alphabet. Trust you to have collected them all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. bobOctober 29, 2009 at 5:17 PM

    I feel I have to go moderately pedantic… 'Llangollen' doesn't have any 'L's. It has two 'Ll's. 'L' and 'Ll' are classed as distinct letters of the Welsh alphabet, with different sounds.

    Might I suggest 'Laverbread' instead ?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Mr AlistairOctober 29, 2009 at 5:22 PM

    I like the anti-phonetic alphabet

    http://www.panix.com/userdirs/vr/alphabet.html

    C as in 'Cue'

    W as in 'Why'

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mr AlistairOctober 29, 2009 at 5:23 PM

    Actually I have the habit when asked my middle initial of saying 'J as in John'

    which is stupid as my middle name is James

    ReplyDelete
  9. Scottish Nature BoyOctober 29, 2009 at 5:58 PM

    You have altogether too much spare time on your hands ...

    ReplyDelete
  10. LolaOctober 29, 2009 at 6:03 PM

    I always use G as in Gnome and K as in Knickers. If it wasn't too unwieldy I'm sure I'd use Psychology for P.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dee's DiaryOctober 29, 2009 at 6:04 PM

    Giggles.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Emma SpreadburyOctober 29, 2009 at 7:57 PM

    Dave, are you writing another book? This seems like a book-writing displacment activity if ever I saw one.

    Although I must question 'nightmare'. Surely 'knightmare' for k?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dave GormanOctober 29, 2009 at 8:39 PM

    @Emma: You couldn't have knightmare for K because that would be silly and lead to confusion.
    K = Knight. M = Mayor. N = Nightmare.
    That makes sense.
    K = knightmare does not.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Scottish Nature BoyOctober 29, 2009 at 9:22 PM

    Actually, I remembered that my father, who served his National Service as a gunner and radio operator in tanks in Germany, had to learn a phonetic alphabet that started "Able, Baker, Charlie" and a simple bit of goggling uncovered this long-lost list from my childhood:

    From a book entitled "The Complete Morse Instructor..." (1944):

    able baker charlie dog easy fox george how item jig king love
    mike nan oboe peter queen roger sugar tare uncle victor william
    x-ray yoke zebra - although I am sure he used "tango" instead of "tare", which presumably only means something to people familiar with electrical top-pan balances. Ho hum - lots of other phonetic alphabets on the web that are less fun than the Gorman one!

    ReplyDelete
  15. GrethicOctober 29, 2009 at 10:04 PM

    I like that other wartime phoenetic alphabet:
    a for 'orses
    b for mutton
    c for thighlanders
    d for ential
    etc

    ReplyDelete
  16. MarkOctober 30, 2009 at 7:39 AM

    P will stay Papa, but N will be Nicole

    ReplyDelete
  17. maddieOctober 30, 2009 at 11:20 AM

    A for arse is my favourite. But what if you cough by mistake?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Craig JonesOctober 30, 2009 at 11:30 AM

    Well at least it wasn't a kilo of charlie.

    They have adopted a new phonetic alphabet in the Black Country, although some probably won't make sense to 'outsiders'.

    http://www.teetshirts.com/black-country-alphabet/cat_24.html

    Contains such classics as ICKLE, JED, OWAMYA and YAMPY.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Single TrackOctober 30, 2009 at 2:30 PM

    That's a beautiful thing Dave. Well done.

    On the subject of letters, I used to work for Directory Enquiries and it used to really irritate me when my colleagues would say to a caller "and how are you spelling that?" In my head I'd be thinking "with letters you moron."

    ReplyDelete
  20. MarzipanNovember 1, 2009 at 6:57 PM

    See - and I know I'm being horribly literal-minded here, but I just can't help it - I think in less-than-perfect conditions (like talking over a radio) it would be hard to distinguish Derek from Eric and Jerry from Very; and in really bad situationd all four of them cold be muddlesome. Which could be awkward (or possibly awkware, awkwarj or awkwarv).

    That said, the problem I have with the your-actual phonetic alphabet is that an alarming number of people seem not to know that Quebec begins with a Q...

    ReplyDelete
  21. LauraNovember 5, 2009 at 10:45 AM

    N should always be Knickers!

    ReplyDelete
  22. KirstNovember 20, 2009 at 10:29 PM

    Dave, I think I just fell in love with you. A bit. Don't worry about it though, this week I have also fallen in love with Richard Armitage's thighs, and a plasterer.

    ReplyDelete