BT (Hello Geoff)

I am currently connected to the internet using a dial up connection. It's not very good. I'm not a violent man but right now I would cheerfully hurt someone from BT.

In fact my sense of proportion has diminished to the point where I can't work out if it would be in particularly bad taste to suggest that running Kris Marshall over again would be, well, satisfying. Probably.

Still, if he will advertise BT's services - and the latest ad does start with some line about how there's nothing more annoying than a bad internet connection - then bad taste or not, he's only got himself to blame for my disproportionate rage. He's lucky I gave up car ownership a while ago... mind you, if I see him when I'm cycling I might be tempted to give it a go.

Did I mention that my broadband access disappeared three days ago.

I was told it would take 2 days to fix. It didn't. I was told someone would call me with more information when they had it. They didn't. In the last three days, I have spent around 5 hours on the phone to various BT help-desk operatives. They all say the same thing. "The complex engineering team are still dealing with the task." (It's almost as if they're reading a script!!!1!)

Apparently it is going to take four days and not two. Who knows, when the four days are up they might tell me it's going to take another two days? Or another four. It's hard to know when they've already been wrong and nobody is able to describe the mysterious task that is being undertaken.

I have repeatedly asked if there is any way of getting internet access in the mean time. I have repeatedly been told that it can't be done. Which isn't true. You know those usb-modems...? They connect to the internet using a sim-card and a mobile phone line. No landline necessary. No landline = no faulty line-card at the exchange. Easy. I don't understand why BT can't provide me with one of those for a few days. Y'know, just until they've fixed the problem. That they've given me. But when I suggest this to someone on the help desk it seems to fry their brain.

It's impossible to speak to anyone who's actual job is to try and actually solve the actual problem. The poor souls aren't allowed to use their imagination; the rules have been laid out and the policy has been decided. The fact that it's technically possible to provide a temporary solution is beside the point because the customer is unable to speak to anyone who can actually make such a daring decision. But why? How often are they letting people down for more than a day? How much would it cost them to patch up the service in this way? How much profit are they making from each broadband customer in the first place? How much nicer would it be to work on the help desk if you were able to say, "Unfortunately, while our engineers will try to solve the problem as soon as possible, there's no way for us to know exactly how long it will take... but, we're going to try and get you a usb-modem for tomorrow morning which means you won't be without access for long..." Instead of being the frustrating wall that stands between the customer and the facts, you'd be the hero, saving the day as best you can. Their calls would be shorter, so they'd deal with more customers too...

Instead, I've ended up stubbornly locked in eternally looping conversations, both parties growing more frustrated by the second; me because they won't help and the help-desk fella because he can't.
Do you want to help me solve the problem?
Yes.
You know those usb modems that provide mobile internet access?
Yes.
One of those would solve the problem wouldn't it?
um...
Wouldn't it?
... well...
It would wouldn't it?
Yes.
So... can you, BT, provide me with one?
No.
Why not?
Because that's not my department.
So whose department is it?
...um...
Could you put me through to the person who is able to make that decision?
I don't think anyone can?
Of course they can. It's possible. The things exist. Someone somewhere makes decisions.
I don't think that's how we deal with the problem...
I can see that. But so far you haven't dealt with the problem. Have you?
um...
Have you?
Well...
It's still not fixed is it?
No.
You know those usb modems that provide mobile internet access?
Yes.
One of those would solve the problem wouldn't it?
um...
Wouldn't it?
... well...
It would wouldn't it?
Yes.

You can get a courtesy car when your motor is crocked so why not a courtesy internet connection? Especially when the bit that's broken down is at their end of things.

After two days of asking they relented inasmuch as they've provided me with this dial-up connection. Initially, I was told that even that wasn't possible... but it was wasn't it?